Mafalda

Here and There

Inside I will always hold a place near and dear to my heart…inside that place is the U.S.---For my live, my childhood, my experiences, my friends and all those I have met along the way which have changed me. I’m forever grateful and love you, U.S., for your ‘values’ and order…

I can’t complain about my life in the states, in fact I am eternally grateful for all the experiences I had growing up including everything lived during the high school period. These are experiences that have made me who I am and will always stay with me because now living in Colombia I realize that many children here in Colombia will never experience them. And I feel that everyone should have those experiences growing up, I can’t imagine not having them.

However, my (almost) five years in Colombia have overcome my twenty years in the U.S. I find myself disappointed, on a daily basis, in the country of the “free” where actually no one is. I left the U.S. for very personal reason, and for a while there in the beginning I resented my decision of moving to Colombia because I was extremely homesick. It took a while for me to realize why it was good that I had moved to Colombia but now I feel completely opposite for many reasons…

My five years in Colombia awakened me to many realities of life. I will give two examples:

First, I realized my life in the states was a bubble; as cultural or Colombian I was growing up in my Colombian home with my Colombian family listening to latino music and eating Colombian food I grew up in Ames, Iowa (one of my favorite places on earth) . Yet it was Iowa, the hardest reality for me to have faced living there as Colombians was receiving groceries from a Baptist church because we weren’t well off at all. When I moved to Bogota, a city of almost nine million, I was faced with war, violence, extreme poverty, and corruption. This is REAL. This isn’t a direct fault of the U.S., but it relates more with the age of globalization.

Second, the history of the U.S. on foreign lands was something that I always defended here in Colombia to everyone who crossed my path with their anti-imperialist comments. Then I started studying at the Javeriana University where I read a lot of texts and listened to many professors that made me realize the reality of this issue. I have always been a particularly liberal person but I have to admit that living in Colombia has made me even more leftist. Learning the real issues beyond wars, investments, and the multinational corporations here in Colombia, who do nothing but suck all the natural resources dry for their own wealth while Colombians drown in poverty, was mind blowing.

I felt a sense of betrayal and lack of trust towards the country I felt as my own. I was utterly speechless with the feelings that I was transmitted by those who had lived in Colombia all their lives. I wanted to find all the truth in order to defend the U.S. but it just didn’t exist. Now with the immigration laws being passed I have become resentful with it, the lack of respect towards humanity is unacceptable. The land of the free never existed nor will it. I have learned to accept the politics of things, and appreciate the life that the U.S. gave to me but I have lost the respect of a government, a country, and dream.

I will NEVER say that it is the worst country in the world, because in my opinion it’s clearly not although for others it is. Iowa is one of my favorite places on earth because it is the foundation of my life, it holds memories that no one can ever take from me and it brought the people, that are responsible for who I am, to me. For those reasons, I love it; I just don’t respect it any longer.

So far away. My scattered soulmates!

My heart hurts still today. It has hurt from the past few weeks, and today it hurts the most. I'm sad that I wasn't able to go to Duffy's wedding...it was my year's goal and ambition, and if I would have done the paperwork faster I would be in the states as we speak probably watching Lola and Kaylie play.

I know I will be able to go in about a month to see my mom, Andres, and most of my amigos. And now I come to find out that my soul mate is leaving for Korea much sooner than I expected, meaning that I won't be able to see her like I had hoped for. It's been 4 years and counting since we have seen each other, laughed together, cried together, hung out to discuss life. I found out today that I wouldn't be seeing her this year, and now it breaks my heart to think when will fate let our paths cross again.

It's not a question of continuing to be friends or continuing to be close as we are...we both know we will always be no matter the distance or time. But it's a hard situation to think that it's been so long, and will be so long. I miss her dearly.

Not to mention the rest of my scattered soulmates. My three little birds, my boys, and all those who have made a permanent imprint on my soul. I listen to songs, watch tv shows and movies, ride the bus, teach English, and think of all of you-past, present, and future. It kills me more than you all know to be so far away, to feel so far away, to see you all so far away.

I know I haven't been the best with the long-distance friendships, but it's not because I forget you guys, nor because I want to forget you; it's because life has become hectic. Colombia, or just Bogota has made me into a person who runs everyday and forget to stop and smell the roses. Living here has made me lose time in my day leaving me with nothing to give you guys. There is no excuse for not sitting down at least 15 minutes to write you all emails to greet, to update you and myself on each others' lives, etc. Because one of the worst parts of this is that I don't even know what each and very one of you is up to, and that makes me sad. My behavior has been unacceptable for our friendships.

I can't believe how fast time has gone by, it really seems like yesterday we were still together even if it was just summer vacation, and everyone was visiting from college. Now we're all grown up, and scattered everywhere. Life will continue as the seconds, minutes, and hours tick away but it's up to us to make the effort to continue our laughter, our support, and our happiness for one another.

I miss you all more than you will ever know, really.

I love you.

Far into the year 2011

There have many things I've wanted to write about but for so many lame excuses I haven't...until now.

Life lately has been interesting. My person life is great, Danny and I have gotten over obstacles that were thought impossible and we keep on keeping on. Lola is a ray of light that shines warmth into our days, she grows more and more every day impressing us and everyone with her intelligence, her wit, her energy, her pure infectious happiness. Although I've had to take time off from school I've found a job that challenges me and takes me beyond the limits that I thought I was capable of. But this job has consumed my days, it's been light years since I have been able to talk to my friends via Skype or even sit down for 15 minutes (besides now) in order to write them yet I think about them everyday.

But like I said life lately has been interesting. Everyday something in today's society makes me shiver fear. I lose my faith in humanity almost. Living in a country that is so beautiful but so corrupted makes me cringe. The worst part: nobody cares.

Call it lack of education, lack of culture, lack of tolerance, and compassion...I call it a lack of humanity.

When I look around at the little things that make me feel this way I get sad because I think that Colombia is the only country like this...then I remember no it's not. In fact Colombia may be better in many ways compared to others, thank goodness.

I realize everyday that everywere people are uneducated, arrogant, uncultured. That's the problem. If we see the world from the outside in, we realize it is complete chaos.

In the past four years Colombia has taught me more compassion, more patience, more tolerance. It has shown me all the characteristics that I would like to have. I have learned who to trust and who to walk past not because of arrogance but because of plain simple trust. Once upon a time there were moments that my naive character honestly believed that I could convince someone not to harm me because they were good. Easier said than done. I smile at how naive I have been and continue to be. A good friend once said naive is mistaken for compassion. That's when I admit I'm naive, ha! No, no, no but it's definately something that keeps me balanced.

I can only be all the things I want to see in humanity. I can only try to enstill these characterisitics in my daughter, teach her how beautiful life is regardless of the hateful chaos present, raise her to love all equally. That's my dream.